The Knot and Thou Shalt Nots

14 9 2015 diablogueWhile Helen Keller’s quote speaks of sight and touch, there is a piece of our soul who hears. When that aspect of my spirit ‘ingages’ with the Silence, a knowing arises that hints that what ‘may be’, is pure, non-logical to some, but certainly not nonsense.

Find the courage, grand heart, to reside in your heart and to flow with the pulse that issues from the Source of all life. We are all connected in what is surely the ultimate Love Knot. To do so consciously is to experience the rich and true sense of feeling known, and of knowing. Such a gift has a divine presence and transcends all ‘normal’ senses.

Emotional Sniffles and a Childlike Spirit

tearI don’t know about you, but every single time I ignore an emotional sniffle, discounting confusion or sadness, my entire being suffers. Frankly, it’s ridiculous how fast things can go sideways. More often than not, I’m the one who ends up in tears when someone gets into a snit as their brain and knickers knot. I finally figured out that giving my feelings the brush off doesn’t clear anything. It’s tantamount to sweeping the threshold of my life and giving pain permission to camp out on the doorstep. Needless to say, once it’s there, pain takes great delight in leaning on the doorbell and if I wear earplugs and blinders in an attempt to ignore it, 10 times out of 10 it’s gonna kick down the door, with guilt its most powerful partner in crime.

Several months ago it became obvious that the ‘sticks and stones’ I’ve carried my entire life were powerless to protect me. While I long ago figured out that the old adage “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but… Continue reading Emotional Sniffles and a Childlike Spirit

Relationship: Part II: ReCognising the Dots

DSCN4036“Reconsider everything you know about relationship…”

After watching red hot lava lick its lips before devouring sand, knowing that it had eaten sacred sites, sucked up ancient palm trees, homes and land, it was mind blowing to realise that paradoxically Pele was expanding the island at will. The reasonable conclusion to the instruction to reconsider what I thought I knew about relationships, would be the antithesis of intelligent if ignored. This was especially poignant, pointed and true, given that I had just divorced my husband because of his insistance that I monetize what I’d retrieved from my Near Death Experience.

Did I contemplate the source or voice of the task? Not that day. Coming face-to-face with my mind-bending insignificance was more than enough to deal with, never mind the little I knew about relationship with myself, another, and as an inhabitant of the planet. All had collapsed after teetering on the edge of the volcano, ludicrous beauty that was real, not just another postcard. My hope was that this thought had been issued by Mother Nature and not Pele, the infamous Hawaiian Goddess of fire who never seemed to hesitate taking what she wanted when she wanted it.

As is often the case, the instant I surrendered and silenced the whiny voice that inhabits a dark corner somewhere in my head and constantly cries, “I’m not good enough. I’m not smart enough.” doubt started to recede. [To this day I can’t reach that spot in my brain with the cobweb duster, but at least I recognize it and know it for ‘who’ it is.] The moment of embracing grace came when I willingly said, “Okay, let’s do this.” Suddenly, insight began to penetrate what was clearly dense grey matter.

My first realization was that ‘love’ is a verb that’s akin to walking the rim of a volcano. The risk is a reward that cannot be calculated. It can only be experienced. I understood as well that safety trumps the illusion of ‘being safe’. Having twirled a stick in lava and tossed it when the flames got to close, the concept of ‘playing it safe’ –again, as opposed to insuring safety– was a preposterous notion because Love is the playground, not a game to be played.

When the group reconvened, we headed south, making the treacherous trek over the black lava. Incredibly, our flashlights stayed in our back packs as the darkness was illuminated sufficiently by the sliver of a crescent moon. This too would be a lesson.

Several hours later, driving home as I approached the boundary of Volcanoes National Park, I saw —as if for the first time — the road sign that I’d passed hundreds of times but in that moment the three simple words, black on yellow, took on a whole new meaning. The sign reads, “END FAULT ZONE.” While my life felt like an active volcano in the six years since my NDE, those words and that moment kick started the knowing that it had actually been smooth sailing up until that point. I felt as if someone had put me on notice, and that my life was about to turn into a rock and roll experience in ways that were, obviously, beyond my control. My strength was knowing that the book ends of my life, my body and spirit were healthy and secure.

Over the next days and weeks I wondered and pondered aloud, contemplating the risks inherent in love and loving without a clue that this wondering would be decades long. My brain often felt like my heart was using it as an Etchesketch, its unseen hand scribbling experiences equally joyous and painful. The widest line it drew was one that circled my fears of crossing the line others had drawn, making a misstep, or trusting someone who was in fact, untrustworthy. This circle in the sand spiraled out of emotional control as tears fell while recalling the sorrow of falling-out of favour and having love withdrawn. Right up there next to it, was the thin line I knew was red that cut smack dab through the centre of my life: it was (and remains) the fear not being good enough or worse, of being judged ‘too much’. Behind this li(n)e was three decades ‘training’, taught that my purpose was to do and be someone else’s idea of ‘perfect’. Hell, fire and brimstone flowed with the realisation that there was ‘who’ in my face at the moment that was the quintessential ‘Phantom of Seduction’. *$#@#$%^&*)*! I’d fallen for someone who promised with his words what he knew in his heart and brain that he was incapable of delivering.

After a lifetime of trying to obey laws, canons and rules written by others that made no sense to me, staying in the relationship and trying to live up to what he thought I was, could be, or should be, was a risk that I did not yet know the math for calculating. My imagination more than ignited by the volcano, I began to reconsider how to articulate an evolving that began to unfold. It was based on understanding myself and then making the effort to relate to others. As my brain churned and turned inside out, my heart did karmic laundry that led to my inner world-view beginning to change. The most dramatic moment was when an unnormal notion arose; think about natural.

Contemplating relationship, I attempted to get what was inside my heart through my thick head and on to paper. It was not simple as humility met the face of fire that said doing so was hubris. The first thing on paper was wondering what might be possible if I changed how I engage in relationships. What would it be if rather than waiting to be asked out or inviting else out, loneliness on one hand, the risk of rejection on the other, what if I opened my heart and let my brain surrender expectations and simply invited another person “in”? Was there actually potential for co-creating by intentionally taking time and making space for communication that was in fact, communion? What would it look like? What values would be the foundation of such a space? How would we respect and honour their multiple intelligences—physical, emotional, cognitive, intuitive and spiritual? How would I determine whether or not another person shared my Purpose to be a catalyst for change, for love, this, what I’d promised to base my priorities on, the vow that let me make promises? How would we make decisions so that let us cooperate and co-create? How might we explore our full potential while keeping the relational space free of fear, tension, pretence, false expectations and projections? What did we require to build the bridge of trust? What were the tools that would let us take down mirrors, the ultimate illusion about how relationships work? If you don’t get it, go look in a mirror and think about what you see. Then turn take it off the wall, turn it around and think about what you don’t see. And what about the rule about breaking a mirror? Shattering glass is a sure way to get hurt, cut, and bleed to death. Ready to end being wounded and suffering paper cuts to my heart only to have acidic tone and words making them feel fatal, realising the Pattern I’d brought back from death was a knot, a love knot no less, it was becoming clear why taking time to make a real connection was the key to intimacy. Having once heard someone say that intimacy was ‘Into me I see’, I realised that in terms of relationship it was a matter of “In time I see”. The issue would be learning to willingly be truly transparent, and yes vulnerable.

Basta! Enough for a Friday! I’ll continue these thoughts on Monday, because right now coffee is calling, and the path into Locarno beckons!

Make it a great weekend!

Relationship: Emotional trials by water and fire

28 may 2015

When a friend shared how a pine cone is a metaphor for relationships this morning, young and closed vs older and open, it sent me time travelling backwards to one of ‘those’ moments, an instant where my being was flooded with insight. The event was an epiphany, so meaningful that it bridged lifetimes and longings as it instantaneously transformed my attitude towards relationships. In that moment, the most important seed of my destiny took root in my heart, engraving itself on my brain as if to insure that I remembered it. Alas, being human, I often failed to remember, and as a consequence know too well what it is to be ‘fluffed’, lied to and manipulated into ‘forgetfulness’. Sadder still is that this is something that, like most, I’ve too often done to myself, but on too many occasions I’ve allowed others to anesthesize my memory.

It happened shortly after my move to Nechung Dorje Drayang Ling, a jewel of a monastery sitting on the edge of the rain forest on the Big Island of Hawaii. After traversing some of the most difficult and dangerous terrain on earth, an hour after the sun set into the Pacific Ocean, a group of friends and I arrived at the edge of the world. We were standing where Kilauea, one of the world’s most active volcanoes, was sending lava into the sea. Only feet away molten rock flowing from Pele’s womb created a fury in the ocean. What was happening was as spectacular as it was terrifying as scalding water and shattering lava went flying in every direction as ghostly plumes of toxic steam roared into the night sky. Every few moments the ground beneath our feet shuddered sending an echo reverberating through every cell in my body. When the sand shifted beneath the stones and we suddenly had difficulty keeping our balance, we retreated quickly. An hour later, adrenaline raced through us as individuals and a group when we heard a rumble then watched as a huge chunk of land fractured and crashed into the sea about ten meters away. The illusion of intelligence instantly vanished as the sense of being stupid beyond belief seemed far more accurate. No doubt we had issued a cosmic dare to Pele by travelling to this place and frankly, I was concerned that she might just double down on the bet.

Realizing that in too many ways we were trespassing, it seemed that the little happy dance I’d done when we arrived had registered more than zero on Mother Nature’s Richter scale. Clearly, she was in control and suddenly it was clear that as magical as it was to watch the birth of some of the newest land mass on the planet, I was standing the cusp of certain death if the she decided to take a scratch. Before she could shift and move me in the ‘wrong’ direction, I turned and high tailed it well inland. There my cosmic musings continued, but this time without the fear of karmic retribution, my long held terror of dying by fire in water.

As my body relaxed, I surrendered to awe and my brain went into a deep meditative state. I know this because I ‘came to’ with an ‘ah ha’. It was a lucid instruction to ‘reconsider everything I thought I knew about relationship’. Unsure whether to laugh or cry, this was and wasn’t a gargantuan task. Why? I knew nothing about relationships that were real, the new word ‘REALationship’ instantly appearing in my head. The terms that followed were as meaningful as they were painful: I knew all about how it felt to put up with ‘relationsnits’; I knew how much it hurt to have someone take a ‘relationsnip’ out of my soul; and I’d been near death, deathly ill, and gone through two NDE’s in a state of ‘relationsick’ due to taking on too much ‘relationshit’.

That day I set out to understand the simple Pattern tied by the Mereon Matrix in terms of true and real relationships.

Tomorrow I’ll share some of those thoughts…