Patients and Patience in the Eternal Presence of Healing

2.5.2016

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/dreams-and-visions-of-the-dying_us_56b24a88e4b04f9b57d81b9d?cps=gravity_5017_1252256921861042625

January 15, 2016 was the 29th anniversary of my first dance with the arching angles of Death. This initial experience of dying did far more than change my ideas about living; gone was the fear of death hammered into me by family, preachers and supposed teachers; in an instant my terror of being misunderstood, judged and a verdict rendered “Unworthy”, evaporated. In its place was the engulfing presence of unconditional compassion whose veracity catalysed the unassailable realisation that the life I had erroneously thought I was living was pure fiction. My absolute reluctance to return was only slightly weaker than the intent of one who was determined to pull me back.

Three weeks later, my heart stopped again, this time for no discernible reason. Au contraire. In an experience many consider a ‘dream’ I was presented with a choice; that I could live or go home, die. It was not an easy decision then, and today thinking about that moment causes tears to overflow… Eternity, no time and timelessness….. So it is that this weekend brings me to what is perhaps the most important anniversary in my life. 07 February, its 29-years since that cold night in Chicago when I said ‘Yes’, agreeing to stay. Simply put, dying gave me my reason for living.

Those who know me best know that keeping my commitment has come at a high cost, a price most would be unwilling to pay.

The video you will see here may help you understand why I have never wavered. Dr. Christopher Kerr is one of my new ‘heroes’, spending day after day nurturing those who are dying, and in their progress he has been embraced by pure grace. I share his message and stories with more than a modicum of hope that hearing his words might help some of those I love understand why doing what I do has never been an option. Many espouse the belief that God is the single most important factor in their lives; consulted in every decision they make. Tragically, examination of the evidence leaves me wondering what happened to Love? even though their lives present evidence to the contrary.

Thankfully, my NDEs are no longer anecdotal, and what I experienced —the Mereon Matrix— was retrieved and is daily being further recalled and constructed. It continues to provide evidence that we are walking a living continuum, knowledge that supports the growing realisation that life continues beyond what we think of as ‘dying’. This video was a powerful reminder of why I am able to keep on keeping on despite many emotional ‘deaths’, pain, personal loss and ongoing grief caused by emotional paper-cuts. Choosing to live and speak what is true for me, mapping what is to date the simplest known ligature, connection of Love, has led to my being severed from former friends and dearly loved relatives. While I am the first to admit that there are that the sorrow feels never-ending, thankfully, being free to express my sadness, and powerful reminders such as this video carry me through, living a life filled with breakthroughs rather than the breakdown some might ‘wish’.

Sadly, love is too often conditional, relative to what we say or do. Perhaps if our relatives and those we love understood relativity, that the laws of physics, how things, including loving relationships work, are the same everywhere, our lives might change as well as how we live every breath on the edge of death whether we like it or not.

Age is not a number

22 july 2015 diablogueAge is not number; it is an attitude.

 As time blows around us and flows within us, the gusting winds of change, the pulsing cadence of age sculpts the edges of sage into our spirit. While there are times that these ‘laugh lines’ might not seem all that funny, make sure each is well-earned, carved by the flow of grace that continuously re-sculpts the soul with wisdom.

Remember that when pain buffets the body and heart, we can consciously change our attitudes and thus, carve a new facet of awareness.

May you fly through life this day, carried on the wings of love.

 

Relationship: Part II: ReCognising the Dots

DSCN4036“Reconsider everything you know about relationship…”

After watching red hot lava lick its lips before devouring sand, knowing that it had eaten sacred sites, sucked up ancient palm trees, homes and land, it was mind blowing to realise that paradoxically Pele was expanding the island at will. The reasonable conclusion to the instruction to reconsider what I thought I knew about relationships, would be the antithesis of intelligent if ignored. This was especially poignant, pointed and true, given that I had just divorced my husband because of his insistance that I monetize what I’d retrieved from my Near Death Experience.

Did I contemplate the source or voice of the task? Not that day. Coming face-to-face with my mind-bending insignificance was more than enough to deal with, never mind the little I knew about relationship with myself, another, and as an inhabitant of the planet. All had collapsed after teetering on the edge of the volcano, ludicrous beauty that was real, not just another postcard. My hope was that this thought had been issued by Mother Nature and not Pele, the infamous Hawaiian Goddess of fire who never seemed to hesitate taking what she wanted when she wanted it.

As is often the case, the instant I surrendered and silenced the whiny voice that inhabits a dark corner somewhere in my head and constantly cries, “I’m not good enough. I’m not smart enough.” doubt started to recede. [To this day I can’t reach that spot in my brain with the cobweb duster, but at least I recognize it and know it for ‘who’ it is.] The moment of embracing grace came when I willingly said, “Okay, let’s do this.” Suddenly, insight began to penetrate what was clearly dense grey matter.

My first realization was that ‘love’ is a verb that’s akin to walking the rim of a volcano. The risk is a reward that cannot be calculated. It can only be experienced. I understood as well that safety trumps the illusion of ‘being safe’. Having twirled a stick in lava and tossed it when the flames got to close, the concept of ‘playing it safe’ –again, as opposed to insuring safety– was a preposterous notion because Love is the playground, not a game to be played.

When the group reconvened, we headed south, making the treacherous trek over the black lava. Incredibly, our flashlights stayed in our back packs as the darkness was illuminated sufficiently by the sliver of a crescent moon. This too would be a lesson.

Several hours later, driving home as I approached the boundary of Volcanoes National Park, I saw —as if for the first time — the road sign that I’d passed hundreds of times but in that moment the three simple words, black on yellow, took on a whole new meaning. The sign reads, “END FAULT ZONE.” While my life felt like an active volcano in the six years since my NDE, those words and that moment kick started the knowing that it had actually been smooth sailing up until that point. I felt as if someone had put me on notice, and that my life was about to turn into a rock and roll experience in ways that were, obviously, beyond my control. My strength was knowing that the book ends of my life, my body and spirit were healthy and secure.

Over the next days and weeks I wondered and pondered aloud, contemplating the risks inherent in love and loving without a clue that this wondering would be decades long. My brain often felt like my heart was using it as an Etchesketch, its unseen hand scribbling experiences equally joyous and painful. The widest line it drew was one that circled my fears of crossing the line others had drawn, making a misstep, or trusting someone who was in fact, untrustworthy. This circle in the sand spiraled out of emotional control as tears fell while recalling the sorrow of falling-out of favour and having love withdrawn. Right up there next to it, was the thin line I knew was red that cut smack dab through the centre of my life: it was (and remains) the fear not being good enough or worse, of being judged ‘too much’. Behind this li(n)e was three decades ‘training’, taught that my purpose was to do and be someone else’s idea of ‘perfect’. Hell, fire and brimstone flowed with the realisation that there was ‘who’ in my face at the moment that was the quintessential ‘Phantom of Seduction’. *$#@#$%^&*)*! I’d fallen for someone who promised with his words what he knew in his heart and brain that he was incapable of delivering.

After a lifetime of trying to obey laws, canons and rules written by others that made no sense to me, staying in the relationship and trying to live up to what he thought I was, could be, or should be, was a risk that I did not yet know the math for calculating. My imagination more than ignited by the volcano, I began to reconsider how to articulate an evolving that began to unfold. It was based on understanding myself and then making the effort to relate to others. As my brain churned and turned inside out, my heart did karmic laundry that led to my inner world-view beginning to change. The most dramatic moment was when an unnormal notion arose; think about natural.

Contemplating relationship, I attempted to get what was inside my heart through my thick head and on to paper. It was not simple as humility met the face of fire that said doing so was hubris. The first thing on paper was wondering what might be possible if I changed how I engage in relationships. What would it be if rather than waiting to be asked out or inviting else out, loneliness on one hand, the risk of rejection on the other, what if I opened my heart and let my brain surrender expectations and simply invited another person “in”? Was there actually potential for co-creating by intentionally taking time and making space for communication that was in fact, communion? What would it look like? What values would be the foundation of such a space? How would we respect and honour their multiple intelligences—physical, emotional, cognitive, intuitive and spiritual? How would I determine whether or not another person shared my Purpose to be a catalyst for change, for love, this, what I’d promised to base my priorities on, the vow that let me make promises? How would we make decisions so that let us cooperate and co-create? How might we explore our full potential while keeping the relational space free of fear, tension, pretence, false expectations and projections? What did we require to build the bridge of trust? What were the tools that would let us take down mirrors, the ultimate illusion about how relationships work? If you don’t get it, go look in a mirror and think about what you see. Then turn take it off the wall, turn it around and think about what you don’t see. And what about the rule about breaking a mirror? Shattering glass is a sure way to get hurt, cut, and bleed to death. Ready to end being wounded and suffering paper cuts to my heart only to have acidic tone and words making them feel fatal, realising the Pattern I’d brought back from death was a knot, a love knot no less, it was becoming clear why taking time to make a real connection was the key to intimacy. Having once heard someone say that intimacy was ‘Into me I see’, I realised that in terms of relationship it was a matter of “In time I see”. The issue would be learning to willingly be truly transparent, and yes vulnerable.

Basta! Enough for a Friday! I’ll continue these thoughts on Monday, because right now coffee is calling, and the path into Locarno beckons!

Make it a great weekend!

Rainbows in My Brain

brain based learningA fabulous image found at http://funderstanding.com! 

First, let me remind you of something I tell myself every day: that every word I dare to publish in this Dia.BLOG.ue comes from and with the full knowledge that not one of us is going to die a natural death where the cause of death will read “Terminal uniqueness”.

For this reason, whenever my body, heart, brain or spirit go into a state I call ‘mid-mourning’, remembering to keep my heart open, my head up, my ‘wings’ unfurled, and my eyes open is critical, because rainbows only appear mid-morning or past mid-afternoon.

For me, these glorious Technicolor arcs are runways or launch pads, and just seeing the conditions for one helps me prepare for wheels up or lift-off. When they do, my spirit goes into flight mode and suddenly my burdens, usually an illusion, and fear, too often a delusion, soars into the Gratitude Zone that is essential for perspective and to return to Love.

The thing to remember is that a rainbow can’t appear in our physical reality when the sun is high. It seems local to me that this is why when I’m reaching for ‘light’ or running too fast; or when I get stuck or otherwise park myself under an emotional cloud; or when I forget and start thinking a Thought to death that I wind up lost in mental fog my spirit wandering in a self-generated miasma. No doubt this is why when an inner rainbow does appear, as well one in the heavens, it feels like the miracle that it is.

I’ve learned, yes, the $%^&* hard way, that when I’m in pain, staying open, keeping my sense of humour and facing whatever the storm is brewing or raging is critical, because when the light breaks through that’s the only place the rainbow is going to appear.

A MidLight Snack

When our heart lights are on full beam, the path ahead of us is clear and our attitudes can easily lift. Such lightness is the key to harnessing freedom. Becoming and being the Light we are meant to be is the only way to bring about the Compassion that is ready to be felt, heard and seen!

Karma and Cosmic Poker

royal flushI just received an email from “LinkedIn” that brought a sad smile to my face. The notice was advising me that a friend had endorsed me for the life skill, ‘strategic planning’. Even in the face of sadness, joy was called forth from deep within as I remembered and appreciated how the bond of our friendship remains true, its truth etched in many memories. His endorsement takes on even deeper meaning for our friendship was born in a place that I dearly loved, but an all-inclusive toxic pollution made it unhealthy for me to stay there. Our connection, established during a short season of my life, remains despite the profound personal crisis that required a sad yet necessary ending.

Thinking about this endorsement called the beauty, strength and power of a Promise to conscious awareness. With it two questions were raised:

  • How often do others want us to compromise or abdicate commitments that we’ve made, to ourselves, or more importantly, to the Divine?
  • Why do we surrender our authenticity, and let others inscribe the book of our life to author our life story?

The answers it called forth were equally complexly yet simple. While many of us suffer from feeling terminally unique, ‘Terminal Uniqueness’ will not be written on any of our death certificates. Truthfully, I’ve made and required enough compromises and have suffered enough broken promises to last a thousand lifetimes. Enough is enough. No more.

Strategic planning is a life skill that must be matched by tactical planning; that must be followed by fearless operational mandates that are followed to the letter, especially when our lives and our Reason for living are at risk.

  • Morals, noble values and spiritual righteousness have nothing to do with being right.
    Living in love is never about bad-mouthing or making someone else wrong.
  • Standing upright in harm’s way is a spiritual competence that must be followed by coherent motion, not emoting.
  • Growth, love in action is first heard in the clarity of Love’s intent; but when our voice is ignored or denied, moving is what permits us to survive and indeed, thrive.

In many ways such skills are those found in a great poker player, which I am clearly not! Masters at card games hide and never show or tell. They understand the risk of ‘holding’, and know that if they blink when attempting to support a bluff or elongate an illusion, their run can collapse in an instant.

The Universe neither bluffs nor blunders, and neither should we. Pretending is to live a lie. It causes our health to fail, relationships to fall apart, and decades of Purposeful work to break down in an instant.

Living is about honouring the pain, and doing what needs to be done to get over it, healing to get on with it. Pain is a lesson, not the Course and is unnecessary to experience true gain.

The Logic of Love is the game changer. Our task is to harness the clarity, embrace the courage, and put on the yoke of love with others who share our Purpose so that with wisdom so that the Future can unfold as it must.